Burnout

There are two months in our calendar that starts with an A. I stopped writing in the first one, and now the second A month begins. I'm not letting you guys go off to college until I finish what I started. There are so many reasons I didn't work on my blog for the rest of the school year. The truth of the matter is, I burned out.

Burning out is an interesting phenomenon, because you don't realize you're spiraling down until you're pretty sunk. But when it happens, it can be exhausting, heart wrenching, and eye-opening. So, how did I burn out? And what does my story have to do with you? Well....

It begins with not being able to say no. Whether I actually wanted to do something or not doing my first year in college, I had a hard time saying no. Suddenly, my responsibilities began piling up. I didn't say no because I don't like disappointing people, and I have an aim-to-please attitude. Oftentimes, that means I get taken advantage of.

I went to college, and I suddenly found I had so much time, and an identity to define. The old adage is that actions speak louder than words, and I wanted my actions to reflect a caring, dedicated, involved individual. Thus, to show people (and myself) the college Celinda, I began collecting extracurriculars. Yes, collecting, because at this point that's exactly what I'm doing.

So, speed up to Spring semester, and suddenly I was over-involved. I worked ten hours a week, volunteered at the Boys and Girls' Club, volunteered for Blessings in a Backpack, was an active member of Alpha Phi Omega (which included 12 service hours and 8 membership hours to take care of each term, as well as weekly chapter meetings), became the secretary of Alpha Phi Omega (an executive position), was on the Blood Drive committee for APO, was on the Formal committee for APO, was taking a photography class (which included developing the negatives and the prints, hours of work per assignment), was taking my third straight semester of Spanish, was taking a US History class, lunch hosting prospective students, traveling for both the admissions office and APO, coming home, going to my grandparents, performing in a dance performance, and in between all of that I ate, slept, and attempted making friends.

Whew. It exhausted me just to type that.

So, what did that leave me? A mess. There was one week I didn't step into the cafeteria for lunch. I would do grab and go lunch so that I could get homework done, or go deal with a secretary responsibility, or table for APO or Blessings. I remember one particular Monday where I was carrying four bags, each one for a different responsibility. I sent, received, or responded to at least ten important emails each day. I agonized over maintaining my good grades. I even began waking up early on Saturdays.

SATURDAYS MIND YOU. When I don't believe life and joy begins until at LEAST ten in the morning. And that's only really "doing okay" or "fine" rather than euphoria. Euphoria kicks in around 2 in the afternoon.

Anyways. The stress and exhaustion began building up. I began getting more frequent headaches. One day it was so bad, I had to lie on the bathroom floor in the dark. I called my grandma, crying about the pain. When I described my symptoms, she got quiet for a minute, and then told me I should go see a doctor the next day. To her, it sounded like migraines.

I hung up the phone, took ibuprofen, and went to a three hour long meeting. That was the day I knew I wasn't taking good care of myself.

The next day, I went to the doctor's office, with my grab and go lunch in hand (because of course, I wasn't free any time else). The doctor confirmed my grandma's fears and gave me a prescription for migraines. It occurred to me, leaving the office, that I had induced migraines living like I did. But, even without migraines, I realized that I didn't sleep much, I never stopped to eat, days were jam packed, and I wasn't finding much enjoyment in ANYTHING I was doing.

See, that's the problem with overwhelming yourself, then attempting to do every single thing perfectly. It becomes about not letting yourself, or anyone down. I have a crippling fear of that, which existed at Uni but exploded in college (or maybe, I found myself surrounded by non-perfectionists for the first time in five years, and it illuminated my own problems). Nevertheless, the perfectionism stops you from enjoying what you are doing, learning, accomplishing. It stops you from enjoying the people who are along for the ride. It stops you from enjoying all your virtures and forces your flaws to the surface. It's scary.

The night before my dress rehearsal for dance, I went to bed at 11. The next day, a Wednesday, I woke up at 4. I was in the darkroom to work on pictures by 5, at the grab and go for breakfast by 7:30, and at work by 8:30. I would end up going to two classes, volunteering, and a dress rehearsal that day. I remember that by lunch time, I was wearing down (because, by lunch time, I had been awake for seven hours). I was so ready to go home at this point. Home was a week away. I think that was one of the longest weeks of my life.

When I finally, finally, finally got home, I didn't even take anything out of the car. I kissed my mom on the cheek, climbed into bed, and slept for 14 hours. When I surfaced, I watched the entire first season of Dawson's Creek, and then went back to sleep.

I thought I had finally escaped my first year in college, and I succeeded in my last term. All those responsibilities? I met them. I did it. But the fallout came, coming down upon me like a ton of bricks. My self-esteem spiraled. I made a list of all the activities I was going to do in the fall (SURPRISE, the list is longer). I made a list of all the activities I wanted to do. That list was two, maybe three things tops. I imagined all the things I really wanted to do, and they varied widely from a trip to Ireland to watching the night sky (and I mean going to a place with barely any lights, so I can see the milky way swirl). But none of them were about APO, or working, or learning Spanish, or taking classes. I was so very tired, right down to my soul.

Good news, I'm starting to turn a corner. I'm still worried, but I think I'm excited for school this fall. However, I can still remember walking down a sidewalk at school, when the feeling of running away shot through me. It flowed through me, this streak of rebellion, this careless feeling that I actually had to clamp down on. You all know me. Running away from college and jumping on a train to God knows where isn't my usual style. Which scared me more that I had that feeling, and that it churned through me.

The important thing to remember is that all of life is a series of compromises and exchanges. If you are mean to everyone, well, you can have your power, but in exchange people aren't going to want to be around you. Someday you will find yourself alone. If you smile at people, well, people are going to smile back. So, you can do everything, and do it well. But, you exchange your health and well-being. You risk messing with your self-esteem, because when things don't go perfectly (and they don't, trust me), it suddenly means you're stupid or a failure. You get colds, migraines, fevers, flus. You get dark circles under your eyes. You stop caring about the things YOU chose to be involved in. And it hurts, to walk through life like an efficient zombie. You get things done, but at what cost?

Your first year is going to be what you make it. I hope you have a good experience. I did. I love Knox, I love the people, I love what I am learning, and I pretty sure I like what I'm involved in. But, even a good experience didn't erase my final term. I challenge you to know your limits. You're human, not a robot. Know that while being involved and connected is great, you shouldn't go HARD on every single thing ever. Taking care of yourself is super important, especially in this new and somewhat terrifying experience of your first year at college. Don't be afraid to say NO. Don't be afraid to say you're stressed out and you need help. Don't be afraid to take a step back and take care of yourself before you take care of anyone else.
More than anything, remember that you are great. Unique. Smart. Helpful. It sounds so basic, but I'm just starting to convince myself of those things again.

Much Love,
Celinda