November is a busy month. It is a time reasonable people stop shaving and write 50,000 worded novels instead. Which is to say that November is a month for psychopaths. November was both the busiest and laziest of months for me. I took finals, became and active member of Alpha Phi Omega, finished projects, and came home. After becoming as lazy as humanly possible (sleeping until 4 in the afternoon, eating and playing on the computer until 4 in the morning, sleep, repeat), I'm back to blogging. Sorry it's been awhile.
Unfortunately, I'm blogging about less than pleasant topics today. Specifically, the three things I found disappointing or difficult about this past term. Don't worry though, I will end on a positive note. I will suggest three possible solutions to my problems that I hope to implement come January.
1) Boys
I have guy friends that I care about, that I hang out with, and that I hope care about me. But I know myself. I really like skirts and dresses. I like sports and I can become a crazy intense fan, but I don't follow or understand sports religiously. I have an annoying tendency to gossip sometimes. So yes, I do tend to roll with a lot of females. Yet this term has had an excessive lack of testosterone, enough missing for even me to notice. Part of that is an issue of exposure. I live in an all-girl's dorm (I chose it because it's cleaner and closer to the hub of campus), I volunteer with kids (don't get your panties twisted, it's true that volunteering, especially with adolescents, is skewed towards females), I don't go to parties, and I don't do any real extracurriculars like student publication or student government or god forbid ultimate frisbee. Add to that a healthy dose of shyness. Why yes, you might have missed that with my loud voice in the hallways, my penchant for raising my hand in class, and my general sarcasm and open-book policy with my blog. HOWEVER, when I meet new people or when I meet what I call real teenagers, I close up and turn into a wallflower. So, forcing myself to talk to people beyond "What's your name?", "Where are you from?", and "What classes are you taking?" have been hard enough. And, I've been successful--when it comes to girls. But, boys? They're like a different species! Combining the fact I've gotten comfortable with the friends I have, I've been dating for the past 2 years, and I went to Uni, I have no clue how to talk to an 18 year old boy. Hell with flirting, I would just like a guy friend beyond passing acquaintance. If that isn't hard enough, I watched as not one, not two, but at least like 10 different people I knew get into relationships. It's like a whirlwind. Are relationships supposed to pop out of the snow, like daisies?? I know how fast the friendships form, but god forbid, dating? Why isn't there a manual to all of this??
2) Loneliness
Fiona said it perfectly on Friday, at the alumni panel "Prepare to feel extremely lonely, even when surrounded by tons of people". Even with making friends and settling into the rhythm of academia, I have felt unbearably lonely more times than I can count. Maybe I'm doing this college thing wrong, because it seems that all my other friends at other schools have found their strides. I could be wrong. But, it hits you so starkly. I think I notice how lonely I am because it's been a real long time since I have felt so lonely. Even at Uni's worst, I was part of a community. I had friends, but I had friends. Friends that I have had for years, who I never felt self-conscious turning to. Then suddenly, I am thrown into a new school and orientation, where I probably met a hundred people or more. I've never felt so damn lonely. Loneliness sucks, because it makes me self-conscious and unsure. Instead of looking in the mirror and saying "Really, really Uni?? A Bio test and a Shakespeare paper due on the same day??" and not worrying necessarily how you looked or what you said or did that day, you become super aware of yourself. You look in the mirror and go "Hair really?? You want to look like that? Are my arms getting chubbier? I sounded so snobby and elitist yesterday. And didn't even make eye contact with that guy. You can't live in the world of academia completely, you need human connection..." and it goes on forever. Loneliness seems to eat up all the joys you had about moving on to the next stage of your life, of being free and adult-like, of experiencing a world bigger than Uni could ever offer. And on the flipside, I felt lonely, and wanting to be left alone at the same time. There are people everywhere. I even live with a roommate! Don't get me wrong, she's great, but OMG there are people everywhere in this world and I have never wanted quiet so much as those ten weeks at college. And if you know me even a little, you would now that is very strange indeed.
3) Drinking
I have many things to be thankful for, so don't take this (or this whole post) as a place for me to whine about my awful middle class experience. That being said, I've had to deal with alcoholism firsthand growing up. It sucks. Things are better now, but when I went off to college, I made a promise to myself: no alcohol. It has nothing to do with a better than thou attitude. Obviously people drink their entire lives without abusing alcohol. I'm not naive. However, I never want to lose control of myself, I and never want to regret anything. Not saying if you drink you will automatically become a jerk. Some may wonder what the problem is--I made a promise and I kept it. The problem is all the gray areas and mini panic attacks I have been having all term. No one has pressured me to drink. But I see many freshmen getting dressed up to go out and party hard on the weekends, and there is something shiny about it all. They're out having a blast while I sit at home. Weekend after weekend. Maybe this alcohol thing isn't awful. So I picture myself having one drink, just one drink, and I spaz. Why? I'm breaking my promise. Mixing loneliness and my overactive guilt complex (seriously, my mom says i have more guilt than a devout Catholic) has created a momentous problem in my brain. To drink or not to drink? It's even worse than that though. I can't go partying even sober, because I hate dealing with drunk people. A lot of people think drunk people are funny, but I only see something incredibly depressing. Their words slur together, they're eyes are overbright, they sound stupid, they stumble around like they are just learning to walk for the first time, they puke, and they wake up in the morning cranky and worse for wear. I hate the idea of dealing with that (I would of course for a friend. And probably a stranger. DARN IT). I hate the idea of even bumping into it at parties. So, it's become an overwhelming problem in my brain.
And now, some solutions :]
1) A simple smile would go a long way, wouldn't it? Basic eye contact? Yep. And maybe the knowledge that at one point, all the guys at Uni were once so foreign and male. Well, maybe just foreign (ZING! Emasculated you all lol). I'd like to tell you a little story. Once, I was leaving Computer Literacy 1 at the same time Seth Bull was. He accidentally spilled papers all over the floor. I bent down to help him out. When he smiled and said thanks, I ran. Yeah, not my proudest moment. Now? I talk to good old Sethy, no problem. And I am his and his lovely girlfriend's biggest fan/third wheel :] The point of that story I guess is to remind myself, and other shy people out there, that everyone is a bumbling fool for a while. It took me a year to really friend anybody beyond "What period do you have English" shtick. When it comes down to it, why are you friends with the people in your group? I hope it's because they are funny, and nice, and smart, and they just kind of get you. The point where you can say ONE word, or one phrase, or even look at each other and burst out laughing. However, if you are just sitting there, a mess of nerves, trying desperately to strike the balance between wit and adorable, you can bet your bottom dollar you're going to come off as TRYING TOO HARD. First step in January? Smile, eye contact, and myself. Cause if anyone, guy or girl, doesn't like me as myself, they aren't worth my time.
2) Kicking loneliness to the curb takes time. I wanted to go back to Montessori throughout my entire Subbie year. Now, I want to go back to Uni. Change is hard. Soon though, the change becomes routine. Time heals. There will be a time when I will want to go back to Knox, cause eww, real world?? The point is, to get rid of loneliness, I need to keep being active. Continue to hang out and get to know the friends I'm making. Rent more movies and watch them with friends. Study more in groups. Have sleepovers. Stay active in my volunteering. Smile at the person I sit next to in my classes next term. The point is, friendships aren't born overnight. Obviously, there was a time when I didn't know my Uni friends well: I even thought for two weeks that Rachael was Heather and Heather was Rachael. Loneliness comes with new surroundings. It won't be smiles and rainbows when I go back in January, but really, I have to start somewhere. And when I feel lonely, I will remember the times I wanted to be alone and savor it. CAUSE I REALLY LIKE QUIET GUYS.
3) This is in some ways the toughest nut to crack. However, I have a theory. Almost any job you take, neighborhood/apartment you live in, or even yoga class you take, there will be at least one person that YOU CAN'T STAND. They're so annoying. Maybe they're nosy, or whiny, or extremely racist, or smell really bad, whatever. You can either wake up every morning loathing their existence in your world, or you can be a reasonable human being and know they don't truly affect you unless you let them. The same can apply to drinking. I don't have to drink. I am keeping that promise to myself, because building trust and goals and limits starts with yourself. But, I think I will go out more. I'm a single, average, seventeen year old female. I can go out, dance with my friends, dress up in those pretty skirts I was talking about earlier, and enjoy myself. I won't let drunk people psych me out. I know that if I see someone in need, I will have to put aside my childhood scars and my morbid fear of vomit and help them out. That could be just my enlarged nurture gene talking (seriously guys, it's a problem), but I like to think it's more about just growing up and dealing with problems head on. I won't go out every weekend. I will probably still choose a nice, quiet evening at home over partying CAUSE I REALLY LIKE QUIET GUYS. Like the other two problems, this problem won't just evaporate. But, when life throws curveballs, it takes a certain amount of adaptation. That, my dear Watson, is the human quality of growing up and maturing.
So, that's it. I hope I didn't bore you to tears. I hope you aren't sitting there saying "Where's the Beef" (Seriously guys, if you get NOTHING else from this blog, watch this. LOL I appreciate her doggedness. They aren't built like that anymore, I'll tell yah http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ug75diEyiA0). An overall moral could be, college isn't perfect, and there are going to be problems. It's a new stage in life, and while it's wonderful blah blah blah, it sucks a lot too. And you know what? It's okay to admit that college isn't smooth sailing. If it is, stop bragging, you lucky jerk :P
Much Love, despite that last sentiment,
Celinda <3
