Well.
I don't actually know how to start this blog.
See, this is my last blog.
For the past two years I have been writing college related blogs. I was fortunate in having this second blog to write after I graduated Uni. I love talking and writing and pondering. I love people, and the infinite ways they disappoint, inspire, and interest me. I love learning, and how Knowledge is Power. I love the idea that sitting here, in my room, I can be talking to people as close as down the street and as far away as Bangladesh.
However, I'm going to be a Sophomore in college now. I didn't really notice the passage of time until the other day, when I helped train the new College Corner bloggers. It suddenly hit me that they were sophomores when I graduated high school. And now they would be the senior class. They would have a senior shirt, a senior prom, a senior trip. They would have a graduation of their very own. And soon enough, the freshmen of my graduating year will be seniors, then the subbies, and then a class of students I never knew.
This brought me here, to this very bittersweet moment. I've looked back over the countless blogs I've done in the past two years. I've seen myself emerge. I've had a few moments where I've touched the lives of other people, and for that I am truly humbled. I also had quite a lot of fun along the way. Really, I had a blast!
But, like all things in life, there is an end.
I'm sitting here, crying, because I have had the privilege to make something lasting and wonderful. I'm crying because it ends. It's like when I finish a good novel. It pulls me in, makes me care about the characters, their feelings and actions, and most importantly, I care about what happens to them. And no matter how satisfying, or interesting, or promising the ending, I can't help but feel adrift and hurt. I am wrenched from the world of the book, and for a time it saddens me.
Yet, it never stops me from reaching for another book. Just like in life, even when hearts break or people die or hurt you or graduations happen or you move or you change careers, it never stops you from living LIFE. From reaching out and experiencing, growing, loving, laughing, learning, losing, hoping, dreaming, wishing, trying, living.
I know I sound melodramatic, but these two blogs, College Corner and Accepted, have been a large part of my life for the past two years. Indeed, they both document and shape how much I have changed.
I guess what scares me the most is that time never stops, and that I knew there would come a time when I would hang up my blogger cap. Who knows if I will ever stop blogging (or talking in general). I have some ideas, I have a volunteer blog that's been feeling a little neglected. But, I am officially done with Uni college blogging.
No, there will be no third installment, I promise. I will slip quietly (or, less than loudly) into my Sophomore year of college. I will not blog about it. I will status update on Facebook OF COURSE, but no blogging. I will begin to think of this blog as a past part of my life. I will begin to think of Uni as what it truly is, my alma mater. I will say goodbye to this, and my previous blog, even though it is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Because, these blogs are very much a part of me, and losing a bit of self is always heartbreaking.
I've been so lucky, to be given a voice, by Lisa, by Uni. I had such joy, and pain, but always pride in being able to help. I wish all Uni kids, now and 20 years from now, HAPPINESS. Because that sometimes can be elusive for Uni kids. Find happiness. Enjoy your five years. And best of luck afterwards, when you find yourself in the world post-Uni.
Time, and myself, march on.
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart,
*crying a bit*
Much Love,
Celinda
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Thursday, August 9, 2012
College Bucket List
Alrighty, so that was a thoroughly depressing blog I wrote earlier this week! I don't want you to think that I had an awful time at college. In fact, I had a lot of great times too, and I can't wait to continue my adventures this fall. In that vein, I wanted to present you a Freshman Bucket List, or at least a college one if you want to space out the awesome. You don't have to agree with all of them, just the SPIRIT of them. Also, don't feel confined to my list. Venture off the beaten Celinda track.
Read. Perform. Enjoy.
1) Talk Up a Random Stranger
You will meet a lot of people, so this doesn't seem like much of a challenge. But I mean for this to be AFTER orientation. I mean for you to plop down next to someone you've never met, and pursue a conversation. You might be surprised how interesting it can be.
2) Dance in the Rain
If you haven't already done this in life, then shame on you. But, here is your chance to redeem yourself! One day, when it is gloomy and rainy, go dance. There is something thrilling about throwing your arms up and letting the rain fall as you spin around.
3) Take a Class Completely Outside Your Major and Graduation Requirements
You should take a class for the hell of it. Take a class because it sounds FUN (what a concept for Uni kids) or nerve-wracking, or new. There's a completely different feel to a class when it doesn't feel required or necessary.
4) Eat Ice Cream for Dinner
No one is around to say no, so you can go out and party and drink and stay out all night. I'm not saying anything on all of that. But, you should also eat a big bowl of ice cream, because you can and no one is going to tell you no, it's not nutritious.
5) Take a Chance on Something
Think about something you wouldn't do, or say, because of the risks. Ignore the risks and do it anyway.
6) Watch the Sunrise from the Most Important Place on Campus
Whether it's the Alma Mater or Old Main, watch the sunrise. I hate mornings, but there is something almost peaceful and hopeful about watching the dawn break, and a new day is open to a world of possibilities.
7) Go All Out
Whether it's a volunteering gig, a concert, a game, or a regular day, party like it's 1999. Wear all the colors, talk loud, think loud. Cheer. Get too excited about it.
8) Go Out at Least Once
You can decide what happens on that night to remember (as long as it isn't the real world Hangover), but have at it. College is about the memories.
9) Learn to Say No
If you're like me, you might agree to do too many things, or might cave in to someone who hasn't been very kind. Stand up and say no. This is your life, and your life solely as an individual (the person you're going to be for the rest of your life) is being formed right now. So, be strong.
10) Accept Your Mistakes
They happen dearest Uni kids. And they are going to happen a whole lot in college. Big ones, little ones, personal ones, professional ones. If you hurt someone or upset something, apologize or fix it. If not, learn from it but don't sweat it. I can promise you only one thing: mistakes never cease, so don't let them control you.
11) Fall In Love
Fall in love, whether it is with an idea, a person, a food, a friendship. Let go and plunge in love. It might hurt you, but it is better to have felt something, to dream of something, than to go through life knowing you never took the chance.
12) Consider a Club You Wouldn't Have
You might feel like you have yourself pretty figured out. Or you might not, and I am making gross assumptions about your character. Either way, I implore you to really look into the clubs your school offers. You might find one of them to be exactly what you're looking for.
13) Explore Your College Town
Leave campus. Do it. DO IT. Whether you live in a one horse town or a sprawling metropolis, go out and explore the town your college is situated in. Find little cafes or family owned stores. Find the charm, outside of your school. Make friends, develop "the usuals", and escape the bubble, even for a bit.
But remember the most important thing. It's been said that life is not about finding yourself. The brochures lie, you aren't going to college to find yourself. If you were lost, we'd be in a metaphysical nightmare. No, you are creating yourself. Create someone who is daring, and smart, and funny, and interesting, and open, and generous, and most of all, kind. Be the kind of person you would want to be friends with. Be the person you could trust with your most guarded secrets. Be the person that either has the answer, or could help look for it. Be the person who is willing to try new things and to take risks. Most of all, be the person who anyone can depend upon, when times get rough.
Good luck, my adventurers :D
Much Love,
Celinda
Read. Perform. Enjoy.
1) Talk Up a Random Stranger
You will meet a lot of people, so this doesn't seem like much of a challenge. But I mean for this to be AFTER orientation. I mean for you to plop down next to someone you've never met, and pursue a conversation. You might be surprised how interesting it can be.
2) Dance in the Rain
If you haven't already done this in life, then shame on you. But, here is your chance to redeem yourself! One day, when it is gloomy and rainy, go dance. There is something thrilling about throwing your arms up and letting the rain fall as you spin around.
3) Take a Class Completely Outside Your Major and Graduation Requirements
You should take a class for the hell of it. Take a class because it sounds FUN (what a concept for Uni kids) or nerve-wracking, or new. There's a completely different feel to a class when it doesn't feel required or necessary.
4) Eat Ice Cream for Dinner
No one is around to say no, so you can go out and party and drink and stay out all night. I'm not saying anything on all of that. But, you should also eat a big bowl of ice cream, because you can and no one is going to tell you no, it's not nutritious.
5) Take a Chance on Something
Think about something you wouldn't do, or say, because of the risks. Ignore the risks and do it anyway.
6) Watch the Sunrise from the Most Important Place on Campus
Whether it's the Alma Mater or Old Main, watch the sunrise. I hate mornings, but there is something almost peaceful and hopeful about watching the dawn break, and a new day is open to a world of possibilities.
7) Go All Out
Whether it's a volunteering gig, a concert, a game, or a regular day, party like it's 1999. Wear all the colors, talk loud, think loud. Cheer. Get too excited about it.
8) Go Out at Least Once
You can decide what happens on that night to remember (as long as it isn't the real world Hangover), but have at it. College is about the memories.
9) Learn to Say No
If you're like me, you might agree to do too many things, or might cave in to someone who hasn't been very kind. Stand up and say no. This is your life, and your life solely as an individual (the person you're going to be for the rest of your life) is being formed right now. So, be strong.
10) Accept Your Mistakes
They happen dearest Uni kids. And they are going to happen a whole lot in college. Big ones, little ones, personal ones, professional ones. If you hurt someone or upset something, apologize or fix it. If not, learn from it but don't sweat it. I can promise you only one thing: mistakes never cease, so don't let them control you.
11) Fall In Love
Fall in love, whether it is with an idea, a person, a food, a friendship. Let go and plunge in love. It might hurt you, but it is better to have felt something, to dream of something, than to go through life knowing you never took the chance.
12) Consider a Club You Wouldn't Have
You might feel like you have yourself pretty figured out. Or you might not, and I am making gross assumptions about your character. Either way, I implore you to really look into the clubs your school offers. You might find one of them to be exactly what you're looking for.
13) Explore Your College Town
Leave campus. Do it. DO IT. Whether you live in a one horse town or a sprawling metropolis, go out and explore the town your college is situated in. Find little cafes or family owned stores. Find the charm, outside of your school. Make friends, develop "the usuals", and escape the bubble, even for a bit.
But remember the most important thing. It's been said that life is not about finding yourself. The brochures lie, you aren't going to college to find yourself. If you were lost, we'd be in a metaphysical nightmare. No, you are creating yourself. Create someone who is daring, and smart, and funny, and interesting, and open, and generous, and most of all, kind. Be the kind of person you would want to be friends with. Be the person you could trust with your most guarded secrets. Be the person that either has the answer, or could help look for it. Be the person who is willing to try new things and to take risks. Most of all, be the person who anyone can depend upon, when times get rough.
Good luck, my adventurers :D
Much Love,
Celinda
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Burnout
There are two months in our calendar that starts with an A. I stopped writing in the first one, and now the second A month begins. I'm not letting you guys go off to college until I finish what I started. There are so many reasons I didn't work on my blog for the rest of the school year. The truth of the matter is, I burned out.
Burning out is an interesting phenomenon, because you don't realize you're spiraling down until you're pretty sunk. But when it happens, it can be exhausting, heart wrenching, and eye-opening. So, how did I burn out? And what does my story have to do with you? Well....
It begins with not being able to say no. Whether I actually wanted to do something or not doing my first year in college, I had a hard time saying no. Suddenly, my responsibilities began piling up. I didn't say no because I don't like disappointing people, and I have an aim-to-please attitude. Oftentimes, that means I get taken advantage of.
I went to college, and I suddenly found I had so much time, and an identity to define. The old adage is that actions speak louder than words, and I wanted my actions to reflect a caring, dedicated, involved individual. Thus, to show people (and myself) the college Celinda, I began collecting extracurriculars. Yes, collecting, because at this point that's exactly what I'm doing.
So, speed up to Spring semester, and suddenly I was over-involved. I worked ten hours a week, volunteered at the Boys and Girls' Club, volunteered for Blessings in a Backpack, was an active member of Alpha Phi Omega (which included 12 service hours and 8 membership hours to take care of each term, as well as weekly chapter meetings), became the secretary of Alpha Phi Omega (an executive position), was on the Blood Drive committee for APO, was on the Formal committee for APO, was taking a photography class (which included developing the negatives and the prints, hours of work per assignment), was taking my third straight semester of Spanish, was taking a US History class, lunch hosting prospective students, traveling for both the admissions office and APO, coming home, going to my grandparents, performing in a dance performance, and in between all of that I ate, slept, and attempted making friends.
Whew. It exhausted me just to type that.
So, what did that leave me? A mess. There was one week I didn't step into the cafeteria for lunch. I would do grab and go lunch so that I could get homework done, or go deal with a secretary responsibility, or table for APO or Blessings. I remember one particular Monday where I was carrying four bags, each one for a different responsibility. I sent, received, or responded to at least ten important emails each day. I agonized over maintaining my good grades. I even began waking up early on Saturdays.
SATURDAYS MIND YOU. When I don't believe life and joy begins until at LEAST ten in the morning. And that's only really "doing okay" or "fine" rather than euphoria. Euphoria kicks in around 2 in the afternoon.
Anyways. The stress and exhaustion began building up. I began getting more frequent headaches. One day it was so bad, I had to lie on the bathroom floor in the dark. I called my grandma, crying about the pain. When I described my symptoms, she got quiet for a minute, and then told me I should go see a doctor the next day. To her, it sounded like migraines.
I hung up the phone, took ibuprofen, and went to a three hour long meeting. That was the day I knew I wasn't taking good care of myself.
The next day, I went to the doctor's office, with my grab and go lunch in hand (because of course, I wasn't free any time else). The doctor confirmed my grandma's fears and gave me a prescription for migraines. It occurred to me, leaving the office, that I had induced migraines living like I did. But, even without migraines, I realized that I didn't sleep much, I never stopped to eat, days were jam packed, and I wasn't finding much enjoyment in ANYTHING I was doing.
See, that's the problem with overwhelming yourself, then attempting to do every single thing perfectly. It becomes about not letting yourself, or anyone down. I have a crippling fear of that, which existed at Uni but exploded in college (or maybe, I found myself surrounded by non-perfectionists for the first time in five years, and it illuminated my own problems). Nevertheless, the perfectionism stops you from enjoying what you are doing, learning, accomplishing. It stops you from enjoying the people who are along for the ride. It stops you from enjoying all your virtures and forces your flaws to the surface. It's scary.
The night before my dress rehearsal for dance, I went to bed at 11. The next day, a Wednesday, I woke up at 4. I was in the darkroom to work on pictures by 5, at the grab and go for breakfast by 7:30, and at work by 8:30. I would end up going to two classes, volunteering, and a dress rehearsal that day. I remember that by lunch time, I was wearing down (because, by lunch time, I had been awake for seven hours). I was so ready to go home at this point. Home was a week away. I think that was one of the longest weeks of my life.
When I finally, finally, finally got home, I didn't even take anything out of the car. I kissed my mom on the cheek, climbed into bed, and slept for 14 hours. When I surfaced, I watched the entire first season of Dawson's Creek, and then went back to sleep.
I thought I had finally escaped my first year in college, and I succeeded in my last term. All those responsibilities? I met them. I did it. But the fallout came, coming down upon me like a ton of bricks. My self-esteem spiraled. I made a list of all the activities I was going to do in the fall (SURPRISE, the list is longer). I made a list of all the activities I wanted to do. That list was two, maybe three things tops. I imagined all the things I really wanted to do, and they varied widely from a trip to Ireland to watching the night sky (and I mean going to a place with barely any lights, so I can see the milky way swirl). But none of them were about APO, or working, or learning Spanish, or taking classes. I was so very tired, right down to my soul.
Good news, I'm starting to turn a corner. I'm still worried, but I think I'm excited for school this fall. However, I can still remember walking down a sidewalk at school, when the feeling of running away shot through me. It flowed through me, this streak of rebellion, this careless feeling that I actually had to clamp down on. You all know me. Running away from college and jumping on a train to God knows where isn't my usual style. Which scared me more that I had that feeling, and that it churned through me.
The important thing to remember is that all of life is a series of compromises and exchanges. If you are mean to everyone, well, you can have your power, but in exchange people aren't going to want to be around you. Someday you will find yourself alone. If you smile at people, well, people are going to smile back. So, you can do everything, and do it well. But, you exchange your health and well-being. You risk messing with your self-esteem, because when things don't go perfectly (and they don't, trust me), it suddenly means you're stupid or a failure. You get colds, migraines, fevers, flus. You get dark circles under your eyes. You stop caring about the things YOU chose to be involved in. And it hurts, to walk through life like an efficient zombie. You get things done, but at what cost?
Your first year is going to be what you make it. I hope you have a good experience. I did. I love Knox, I love the people, I love what I am learning, and I pretty sure I like what I'm involved in. But, even a good experience didn't erase my final term. I challenge you to know your limits. You're human, not a robot. Know that while being involved and connected is great, you shouldn't go HARD on every single thing ever. Taking care of yourself is super important, especially in this new and somewhat terrifying experience of your first year at college. Don't be afraid to say NO. Don't be afraid to say you're stressed out and you need help. Don't be afraid to take a step back and take care of yourself before you take care of anyone else.
More than anything, remember that you are great. Unique. Smart. Helpful. It sounds so basic, but I'm just starting to convince myself of those things again.
Much Love,
Celinda
Burning out is an interesting phenomenon, because you don't realize you're spiraling down until you're pretty sunk. But when it happens, it can be exhausting, heart wrenching, and eye-opening. So, how did I burn out? And what does my story have to do with you? Well....
It begins with not being able to say no. Whether I actually wanted to do something or not doing my first year in college, I had a hard time saying no. Suddenly, my responsibilities began piling up. I didn't say no because I don't like disappointing people, and I have an aim-to-please attitude. Oftentimes, that means I get taken advantage of.
I went to college, and I suddenly found I had so much time, and an identity to define. The old adage is that actions speak louder than words, and I wanted my actions to reflect a caring, dedicated, involved individual. Thus, to show people (and myself) the college Celinda, I began collecting extracurriculars. Yes, collecting, because at this point that's exactly what I'm doing.
So, speed up to Spring semester, and suddenly I was over-involved. I worked ten hours a week, volunteered at the Boys and Girls' Club, volunteered for Blessings in a Backpack, was an active member of Alpha Phi Omega (which included 12 service hours and 8 membership hours to take care of each term, as well as weekly chapter meetings), became the secretary of Alpha Phi Omega (an executive position), was on the Blood Drive committee for APO, was on the Formal committee for APO, was taking a photography class (which included developing the negatives and the prints, hours of work per assignment), was taking my third straight semester of Spanish, was taking a US History class, lunch hosting prospective students, traveling for both the admissions office and APO, coming home, going to my grandparents, performing in a dance performance, and in between all of that I ate, slept, and attempted making friends.
Whew. It exhausted me just to type that.
So, what did that leave me? A mess. There was one week I didn't step into the cafeteria for lunch. I would do grab and go lunch so that I could get homework done, or go deal with a secretary responsibility, or table for APO or Blessings. I remember one particular Monday where I was carrying four bags, each one for a different responsibility. I sent, received, or responded to at least ten important emails each day. I agonized over maintaining my good grades. I even began waking up early on Saturdays.
SATURDAYS MIND YOU. When I don't believe life and joy begins until at LEAST ten in the morning. And that's only really "doing okay" or "fine" rather than euphoria. Euphoria kicks in around 2 in the afternoon.
Anyways. The stress and exhaustion began building up. I began getting more frequent headaches. One day it was so bad, I had to lie on the bathroom floor in the dark. I called my grandma, crying about the pain. When I described my symptoms, she got quiet for a minute, and then told me I should go see a doctor the next day. To her, it sounded like migraines.
I hung up the phone, took ibuprofen, and went to a three hour long meeting. That was the day I knew I wasn't taking good care of myself.
The next day, I went to the doctor's office, with my grab and go lunch in hand (because of course, I wasn't free any time else). The doctor confirmed my grandma's fears and gave me a prescription for migraines. It occurred to me, leaving the office, that I had induced migraines living like I did. But, even without migraines, I realized that I didn't sleep much, I never stopped to eat, days were jam packed, and I wasn't finding much enjoyment in ANYTHING I was doing.
See, that's the problem with overwhelming yourself, then attempting to do every single thing perfectly. It becomes about not letting yourself, or anyone down. I have a crippling fear of that, which existed at Uni but exploded in college (or maybe, I found myself surrounded by non-perfectionists for the first time in five years, and it illuminated my own problems). Nevertheless, the perfectionism stops you from enjoying what you are doing, learning, accomplishing. It stops you from enjoying the people who are along for the ride. It stops you from enjoying all your virtures and forces your flaws to the surface. It's scary.
The night before my dress rehearsal for dance, I went to bed at 11. The next day, a Wednesday, I woke up at 4. I was in the darkroom to work on pictures by 5, at the grab and go for breakfast by 7:30, and at work by 8:30. I would end up going to two classes, volunteering, and a dress rehearsal that day. I remember that by lunch time, I was wearing down (because, by lunch time, I had been awake for seven hours). I was so ready to go home at this point. Home was a week away. I think that was one of the longest weeks of my life.
When I finally, finally, finally got home, I didn't even take anything out of the car. I kissed my mom on the cheek, climbed into bed, and slept for 14 hours. When I surfaced, I watched the entire first season of Dawson's Creek, and then went back to sleep.
I thought I had finally escaped my first year in college, and I succeeded in my last term. All those responsibilities? I met them. I did it. But the fallout came, coming down upon me like a ton of bricks. My self-esteem spiraled. I made a list of all the activities I was going to do in the fall (SURPRISE, the list is longer). I made a list of all the activities I wanted to do. That list was two, maybe three things tops. I imagined all the things I really wanted to do, and they varied widely from a trip to Ireland to watching the night sky (and I mean going to a place with barely any lights, so I can see the milky way swirl). But none of them were about APO, or working, or learning Spanish, or taking classes. I was so very tired, right down to my soul.
Good news, I'm starting to turn a corner. I'm still worried, but I think I'm excited for school this fall. However, I can still remember walking down a sidewalk at school, when the feeling of running away shot through me. It flowed through me, this streak of rebellion, this careless feeling that I actually had to clamp down on. You all know me. Running away from college and jumping on a train to God knows where isn't my usual style. Which scared me more that I had that feeling, and that it churned through me.
The important thing to remember is that all of life is a series of compromises and exchanges. If you are mean to everyone, well, you can have your power, but in exchange people aren't going to want to be around you. Someday you will find yourself alone. If you smile at people, well, people are going to smile back. So, you can do everything, and do it well. But, you exchange your health and well-being. You risk messing with your self-esteem, because when things don't go perfectly (and they don't, trust me), it suddenly means you're stupid or a failure. You get colds, migraines, fevers, flus. You get dark circles under your eyes. You stop caring about the things YOU chose to be involved in. And it hurts, to walk through life like an efficient zombie. You get things done, but at what cost?
Your first year is going to be what you make it. I hope you have a good experience. I did. I love Knox, I love the people, I love what I am learning, and I pretty sure I like what I'm involved in. But, even a good experience didn't erase my final term. I challenge you to know your limits. You're human, not a robot. Know that while being involved and connected is great, you shouldn't go HARD on every single thing ever. Taking care of yourself is super important, especially in this new and somewhat terrifying experience of your first year at college. Don't be afraid to say NO. Don't be afraid to say you're stressed out and you need help. Don't be afraid to take a step back and take care of yourself before you take care of anyone else.
More than anything, remember that you are great. Unique. Smart. Helpful. It sounds so basic, but I'm just starting to convince myself of those things again.
Much Love,
Celinda
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