Homesickness is a very real thing. No matter how you felt at home, going off on your own for the first time IS overwhelming. Suddenly, you have a million decisions to make, without anyone telling you which ones to make. I skipped one of the presentations offered, and NO ONE came to yell at me. The "Kovacs" disappears. Then, for some, making friends seems second nature. For others, making friends can feel daunting. What do you say? There aren't a million inside jokes, little noises, certain looks, and a history to fall back on. It is a clean slate. And just like those endless white rooms, I feel so overwhelmed by the sheer process of making new friends.
Sunday was my big homesick day. I woke up, and realized it was my first full day at college. My mom was really gone, I really lived in Galesburg, and I was really on my own. It felt like a ton of bricks fell on my shoulders. I wanted to go home so damn much. I wanted to catch the first train back. I hated my college, I hated that I had grown up, I hated that I left Uni, I hated the process of making friends, I hated that my computer wasn't working, I hated everything. I went to all the meetings I found important (I didn't go to ones like pre-professional programs, that doesn't affect me), but I felt kind of hollow inside. I am taking a stand right here. Right now.
Homesickness exists and IT. IS. OKAY.
We have homes, and friends, and family that we love, like, or are at least familiar with. We don't like change, even positive change, because change is jumping into unknown territory. We are scared of falling on our face, of embarrassing ourselves, of being lonely, of failing. The future is never guaranteed, and changing things increases the risk of things going wrong.
So, it's okay to cry. It's okay to get angry. It's okay to take a nap to try to escape the world. It's okay to eat chocolate. It's okay to call home or friends. It's okay to skip unimportant, or even semi-important meetings. It's okay to take a solitary walk.
I am admitting I cried, I ate chocolate, I called home, I called friends. I pretended to text so that passerbys didn't think I am a lonely friendless loser. I have felt jealousy for people who are out partying. I have done the initial introductions, only to stand there and feel incredibly awkward. I have fought my hair (I swear it got poofier). I have felt unpretty, or unfunny, or unsocial many, many, many times in the last four days. I have wished I never came.
At the same time, I have gone out with friends. I have laughed with people. I have made a few inside jokes. I have felt cool and witty. I have gotten things done (classes registered, jobs applied, volunteer work began!), and I have felt completely at home. Homesickness will come and go. It is completely normal to feel a whole lot of it at first. College, whether it is at the U of I or in Cambodia, is a huge transition. So, bring a box of tissues, some chocolate, a journal, your phone charger (for those many calls you might make), and the knowledge that though you are homesick, you should give college your all. Because it's the place you are developing yourself, your community, and potentially, your world. And, that is super, super exciting.
Much love and MISS YOU ALL,
Celinda :]
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